Kenneth C. Hoffman asked: [1] Doctor Visit
After arriving on time, you are kept waiting for one half hour, then,
stripped of your clothes, tapped on the back and without answering
one question, given a prescription for an unnamed ailment that turns
out costing $50 for a medication consisting mostly of Tylenol and a
decongestant.
[2] Over and Out
In military terms, ‘Over’ means “I am turning the microphone over to
you for further transmission”.
‘Out’ means “I am closing the mike and need no further transmissions”.
Even in Hollywood you can’t have both at the same time.
[3] Cars That Beep
You are waiting for the light to turn green and before you can press on
the accelerator, the car behind you beeps annoyingly for you to get going.
[4] People that take forever to buy two items.
While standing in the checkout line, the person in front of you with two
items is having a long discussion with the check out person. First
he (or she) wants to use her change, but doesn’t have enough. Then she
writes a check, but has no I.D. Then the item she picked has no price and
the coupons she has are no longer valid. On and on to infinity.
[5] Promo Spots on the News
Teaser ads that take up half the time allotted to the news portion of the
program. The other half is dedicated to the rest of the story except for
the punch line for which you have to ‘tune in later’.
[6] 800 Numbers That Pass the Buck
You are asked to call an 800 number for your bank balance or whatever.
A disinterested voice then rattles off a selection of choices, none of which
pertain to your problem. After trying all of the choices, a voice asks you if
you want her to repeat the choices. No live person in sight.
[7] Favors That are Never Returned
Your ‘best friend keeps leaning on you for rides to work, to pick up
something at the store, to mind her kid for a ‘minute’ and “Could I
use your car?” But when asked for a favor, they have no time.
[8] Free Offers That Cost $200.
Credit card companies love to call at supper to tell you about a ‘Free’
offer that sounds irresistible with built-in guarantees and optional
cancellation privileges. Then you find out that your account was billed for
$200 and the day for cancellation was yesterday.
[9] Real Estate Leader Ads
A newspaper ad shows a gorgeous home for only $249,000 complete
with 2 1/2 baths, three bedrooms, an optional finished basement, and
a two car garage. Then when you get there you find that the basement
(unfinished) costs $20,000 extra and another $24,000 for being finished.
The property happens to be a ‘premium lot’ (not under water) and costs
more. All the upgrades in the model are extra and none of the plantings
are included. A slab patio is big enough for a folding chair and a potted plant.
[10] Herbal Infomercials
The only program on your favorite radio station is one half hour
extolling the virtues of a fabulous, unbelievable life-saving preparation
known only to 13th century monks and the president of the Herbal
Supplement Company. Shocking and revealing telephone calls
raving about the amazing qualities of their concoction of herbal
remedy are interspersed with warnings not to try to replace their
magic formula with chamomile (the main ingredient) and an 800 number
that informs you of their $39.00 minimum charge.
[11] Emails from illiterate Nigerians who insist that their husband has died and left a fortune
in untouchable millions of shopeks. We are expected to let them use our bank account
in a scheme to defraud their government and ours for a ten per cent cut. Yeah, right.
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